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The HAF is a small Northern writers’ collective that prefers to remain completely anonymous. All its members are sworn to secrecy and are very careful to keep their true identity concealed. Within these stringent limitations we can however reveal that:

The ‘Hyacinth’s Authors’ Front’ is not the same as the ‘Staunch North Forsythia’, indeed they are bitter rivals. Nor should it be confused with the ‘Natty Shorthorn Fuchsia’ or the ‘Snatchy Authorish Front’.

Most of our books carry the highly-acclaimed and much-coveted appellation: ‘A North Fuchsia Synth Rot Project’.

At our main office in North St Auchian Forsyth, we employ several throaty, unshorn catfish, one Aunty shorthorn catfish, and some frothy Thanatos urchins. They are all masters of the Synthon Authorish Craft - aka shiny, hot author crafts - which entails twisting shiny, North author-facts and thorny, sin author-facts into hoary, catfish non-truths, horny throatish unfacts and tushy, shorthair non-fact.

Indeed, our copy editors are frequently heard to exclaim: ‘Hurray, hottish non-facts!’

We always start the day by singing a hortatory sunfish chant, and then we unthatch honorary fists and swear crayfish non-truth oaths of allegiance.

At night we slump onto our chanty shorthair futons and celebrate by smoking crafty notturno hashish. We also have a penchant for ‘hoarfrost’ hyacinth nuts.

Our new anthology, The Owl and the Cragrat, most certainly unchains frothy throats, and is finely illustrated with unthrifty hash cartoons.

The Bretton Hall book signing (on Sat 27 March, see Events) was a Raunchy Titans Froth Sho in which our whole production team wore notary thrutch fashions. Unfortunately we asked Ken Wilson to read a poem, but he proved to have an unfancy shortish throat. One critic said: 'He chants unitary sho froth.'

Marc often wears an asynchronous thrift hat leading to a lot of snatchy ‘hoh’ frustration, or notchy hash frustration, from his employees, while Gordon often counters with some rhy thrash confutations. And, if Marc joins in the fray, we usually end up with a real Hosannah thrift outcry. It’s enough to tarnish thatchy sunroof!

After these harsh throaty functions, and unhasty shirtfront chaos, peace and calm usually descends on the office again.

With the proceeds from his books Marc has recently acquired a ‘shy nun’ hotshot aircraft, while his workers have to make do merely with the Collective’s ‘“non-authors” shrift yacht’. But they let their feelings be widely known with many loud hitchy, non-authors’ farts.

Because he claims to live in just one small house in Yorkshire, Marc’s employees call him ‘a thorny north hut fascist’, while he in turn calls them ‘a bunch of frothy, hot Sun anarchists’ and angrily unanchors thrifty oaths - while the Sun’s headline about this row might simply be:

‘Aircraft/hutch Non-story’

In public, Marc’s persona is completely different, many a book deal being a frothy hush transaction.

The walls of his office are adorned with lots of shiny Author Font Charts, while most unsolicited manuscripts get consigned to a purpose-built shiny, fur-tooth trashcan.

Many authors fail to meet their deadlines, working only on a canny author short shift.

Some of Marc’s more salacious authors he hardly edits at all because he knows that you just can’t shift horny authors.

Sadly, not all Stonegold’s publications have received glowing reviews. Here are just some of the thoroughly ill-judged comments made by a few misguided critics in the last six months:

‘unsanitary hotchfroths’
‘shufty hotch narrations’
‘stationary hunch froths’
‘non-authors fitchy trash’
‘starchy oafish nontruth’

Future publications include:

‘A Short Caftan Hunt History’ (a sequel to the hugely popular A Not Short Crayfish Hunt in which the reader was urged to ‘Try a hot sun catfish hunt’).

The same author is now strugging with ‘A Shorn Tory Catfish Hunt’ and a North Hun Catfish story of some kind – full of yet more ‘truths on a horny catfish’ no doubt.

Other future titles include:

Horny Thrush Fantastico
Chitty Shorthorn Faunas
Thrush Infantry Cahoots



In all the time they have been working together, the mysterious duo of ‘Marc’ and ‘Gordon’ of the Hyacinth’s Authors’ Front has worked tirelessly and selflessly to put quality before hype, artistic integrity before self-promotion. They would hate their surnames to become widely known in the publishing world.

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Stonegold Publishing
Tree Tops, 7 Dale Avenue, Kilnhurst Road, Todmorden, Lancashire, OL14 6BA
Telephone 44 (0) 1706 817 227

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