QU: WHAT IS THE HYACINTH’S
The HAF is a small Northern writers’ collective
that prefers to remain completely anonymous. All its members
are sworn to secrecy and are very careful to keep their true
identity concealed. Within these stringent limitations we
can however reveal that:
Authors’ Front’ is not the
same as the ‘Staunch North Forsythia’,
indeed they are bitter rivals.
Nor should it be confused with the ‘Natty Shorthorn
Fuchsia’ or the ‘Snatchy
Most of our books carry the highly-acclaimed
and much-coveted appellation: ‘A North Fuchsia Synth
At our main office in North St Auchian Forsyth,
we employ several throaty, unshorn catfish, one Aunty shorthorn
catfish, and some frothy Thanatos urchins. They are all masters
of the Synthon Authorish Craft - aka shiny, hot author crafts - which entails twisting shiny, North author-facts and thorny,
sin author-facts into hoary, catfish non-truths, horny throatish
unfacts and tushy, shorthair non-fact.
Indeed, our copy editors are frequently heard
to exclaim: ‘Hurray, hottish non-facts!’
We always start the day by singing a hortatory
sunfish chant, and then we unthatch honorary fists and swear
crayfish non-truth oaths of allegiance.
At night we slump onto our chanty shorthair
futons and celebrate by smoking crafty notturno hashish. We
also have a penchant for ‘hoarfrost’ hyacinth
Our new anthology, The Owl and the Cragrat,
most certainly unchains frothy throats, and is finely illustrated
with unthrifty hash cartoons.
The Bretton Hall book signing (on Sat 27 March,
see Events) was a Raunchy Titans Froth Sho in which our
whole production team wore notary thrutch fashions. Unfortunately we asked Ken Wilson to read a poem, but he proved to have an unfancy shortish throat. One critic said: 'He chants unitary sho froth.'
Marc often wears an asynchronous thrift hat
leading to a lot of snatchy ‘hoh’ frustration,
or notchy hash frustration, from his employees, while Gordon
often counters with some rhy thrash confutations. And, if
Marc joins in the fray, we usually end up with a real Hosannah thrift outcry. It’s
enough to tarnish thatchy sunroof!
After these harsh throaty functions, and unhasty
shirtfront chaos, peace and calm usually descends on the office
With the proceeds from his books Marc has recently
acquired a ‘shy nun’ hotshot aircraft, while his
workers have to make do merely with the Collective’s ‘“non-authors” shrift yacht’. But
they let their feelings be widely known with many loud hitchy,
Because he claims to live in just one small
house in Yorkshire, Marc’s employees call him ‘a
thorny north hut fascist’, while he in turn calls them ‘a bunch of frothy, hot Sun anarchists’ and angrily unanchors thrifty oaths - while the Sun’s headline about
this row might simply be:
In public, Marc’s persona is completely
different, many a book deal being a frothy hush transaction.
The walls of his office are adorned with lots
of shiny Author Font Charts, while most unsolicited manuscripts
get consigned to a purpose-built shiny, fur-tooth trashcan.
Many authors fail to meet their deadlines, working
only on a canny author short shift.
Some of Marc’s more salacious authors
he hardly edits at all because he knows that you just can’t
shift horny authors.
Sadly, not all Stonegold’s publications
have received glowing reviews. Here are just some of the thoroughly
ill-judged comments made by a few misguided critics in the
last six months:
‘shufty hotch narrations’
‘stationary hunch froths’
‘non-authors fitchy trash’
‘starchy oafish nontruth’
Future publications include:
‘A Short Caftan Hunt History’ (a
sequel to the hugely popular A Not Short Crayfish Hunt in
which the reader was urged to ‘Try a hot sun catfish
The same author is now strugging with ‘A
Shorn Tory Catfish Hunt’ and a North Hun Catfish story
of some kind – full of yet more ‘truths on a horny
catfish’ no doubt.
Other future titles include:
Horny Thrush Fantastico
Chitty Shorthorn Faunas
Thrush Infantry Cahoots
In all the time they have been working
together, the mysterious duo of ‘Marc’ and ‘Gordon’
of the Hyacinth’s Authors’ Front has worked tirelessly
and selflessly to put quality before hype, artistic integrity
before self-promotion. They would hate their surnames to become
widely known in the publishing world.